Weird War Tales #49

I loved all that Weird War stuff, with Jake the Robot and the Creature Commandos. The only DC books I ever really read were the seventies "horror" comics, usually the titles involving war of some sort. therefore, I give you the mystery and madness of... Weird War Tales #49

This issue begins with a competently drawn, relatively straightforward, story about how terrible it is to have to shoot children if they're wearing an enemy uniform. You'll have to read it, I have no interest, at the moment, in arguing whether shooting children is a good idea.

What I do want to talk about is Hostess Fruit Pies. Here we have a classic example of the Green Lantern learning about the Fruit Pie Scene. Let me tell you the fruit pie scene is where it's at, it's happening, it's now.


"I'm what's going on, and you're what's going down." Don't be surprised if you and I ever meet and this phrase slips from my lips within five minutes. I've made a vow to say this to every single person I meet from now on.

The "plot" of this ad involves Dr. Live (spell it backwards) shrinking the Green Lantern down and putting him in a jar with a bunch of other small people. The Green Lantern uses his uh... green... lantern, to reverse the process so the people can resume their sales pitch for fucking fruit pies.
A. If Green Lantern could reverse the process that easily why didn't he just clobber that bow-tie wearing motherfucker as soon as he walked in the door.
B. That one guy didn't mind being small and in a jar? The only thing that bothered him and his compatriots is that their mouths were too small to eat fruit pies? Wouldn't a mouth be able to nibble off at least a little fruit pie at any size? You don't have to eat fruit pies whole you stupid son of a bitch.

I don't understand why Dr. Live can't just talk forward like everyone else.
Anyway, on to why I wanted to show people this book.
The Day After Tomorrow drawn by Steve Ditko and Vince Coletta.


That's it. A cautionary tale for the youth of today who are looking for a new, happening sound. Kids that want to follow glowing hippies around the wasteland. Those hippies are freaking radioactive you arrogant punks! Stay away from the hippies!
and after that we have another boring ad.

URCH... back up a second and check this out.

I can't find any Kotter comics in the back issue bins anywhere. They must be so great that the people that own them won't give them up. I wonder how many Kotter comics there were. I know Horschack ended up in the Watchmen, I wonder if any other sweathogs got their own spin-off comics.

The last story in the comic, Mark Of The Conqueror seems to be cashing in on another popular sci-fi story but I just can't place it. It's about a PLANET full of APE like creatures. Man, it's on the tip of my tongue.
This handsome fella is named Torin and much like Wu-Tang, he ain't nothin to fuck with. He likes to talk about how terrible he is and how his first born son will take over the dictatorship when he dies.

He also likes to blow away the wolf faced creatures that live out in the wilderness.
Check out how that one werewolf monster's head is blowing right off his shoulders, harsh.



Through a kind-of stupid sereis of events Torin finds out that the wolf faced monster is actually his first born son and...

He's been WEARING HIS SON'S SKIN AS A HAT! Ha-Ha, That's the kind of irony that only Alanis Morrisette could truly appreciate. Every time I look at that last panel I imagine that comedic trumpet womp-womp-womp noise.
And here's one last ad. Like the kids reading this comic don't already have enough "big as life, hang-ups."

Elijah J. Brubaker -Epicure, Statesman, graphic noveleer.

Marvel's Greatest Comics featuring the Fantastic Four #87

He must, he must, he must increase his bust. This issue is actually a reprint of Fantasitic Four #107. This was a formative book for me when I was ten and found it under my friend Ira's bed. I stole it from him and read it over and over. It was so good, it had everything you could ever want from a FF comic.

Weird-ass experiments involving the Thing. That's the Human Torch piling the pressure on old Reed.

But Reed gets fed up and starts bitching out on everyone. "Shut up kid! Ben you fucking lazy wanker!" Reed Richards is always at his best when he's telling people to shut up or calling them names.

Like so. "Don't go feminine on me!" Yeah!

So the Thing gets the ability to change back and forth from his human identity. This, apparently turns him into a massive prick. Also, I guess he and Alicia are swingers, hyuck, hyuck.

Then the Torch flies to the top of one of those awesome wooden water towers and mopes about not having a girlfriend, or something.

Then the two storylines collide in this great non-fight scene. "Don't make me flame on!"

Half-Thing is really creepy and gross to me. He's all orange and fucked up but he's got hair and brown pants. UGH
Anyway Reed stops the fight because there's bigger things to worry about.

Some dude wants to go to the negative zone for some reason. This give us an opportunity for a flashback featuring one of my favorite bad guys Annihilus. (by the way, I never figured out why the dude wants to go see Annihilus or whatever. )

This is the dude. His name is Janus, as in "the sensational clue to the mystery of..." seen on the cover.
Spoiler alert:
there's no clues, sensational or otherwise, to anything in this issue.

One of my favorite things about the Fantastic Four was that creepy old nanny they had watch their kid. Why bother with daycare when you can have you baby watched by the strangest woman on earth? Also we get to see the first indication that Franklin is some sort of demon baby that can see invisible things. Check out his creepy Village of the Damned eyes.
Then, the best part of any Marvel book of this time. The Hostess ad.

That Iron Man movie would have been so much better if he'd battled the Hungry Battleaxe.
Then there's the back cover ad.

There's something so pleasing to me about the colors on this ad. and Those prizes look pretty tempting. You can get a complete archery set for god's sake. But then you notice that you'll be selling seeds. SEEDS!

And this testimonial was kind of a deal breaker for me. This kid must have been an idiot. They named their baseball team "the American Seeds?"
what he doesn't tell you is that his team got beat to shit at their first game for having such a retarded name. Then their equipment got stolen by The Michigan hellbrains"

In closing I can't really say what kind of influence this book had on me but I read it cover to cover many times when I was younger. I only owned a handful of books and I read them and re read them compulsively. I must have a read a single Beagle Boys story a hundred times when I was just learning to read.

Elijah J. Brubaker, Cartoonist, Bon Vivant.